what's in my mind?

There are a lot actually. Not heavy stuffs but every little tiny bit of things that make me smile. Or confused.
1. Adorable puppies in the form of woman's bestfriend, shoes!

I want this so damn bad... The puppies prints on it drives me crazy. It seems like these bad boys barking, asking me to wear them. But I just bought another shoes online. I can't spend all of my money in a sec. I guess you boys have to wait for me. If I do well in my final exam, I'll definitely have you boys. As a reward for myself. Just wait, mommy gonna study hard for you.

2. The best medical drama in the whole word, and what made it more awesome is the main character had an autistic disease

The drama is about a genius doctor wanna-be trying to be accepted as a resident in the best hospital in the country. He has a good spacial capability and precise diagnose. Unfortunately he has Savant Syndrome. People cannot accept him. He was rejected by society. This is a drama proving the qualification to be a good doctor is not about awesome medical skill, high success rate in operating patient, or great social skill. It's about trying your best to help others.

The story is nice. Joo Won oppa is charming. Fell for him,even though he was behaving like a 7 years old in this drama. 

3. My sad yet pitiful motivation

After I watched Good Doctor, I rethink my motivation why I want to be a doctor. The main reason is because my dad promised that he will buy me a car if I get accepted in medical university. The other reason is just to make my parents proud and my family happy. I wonder why becoming a doctor is such a big deal. I guess it's no longer about helping others, but a guarantee to live all fulfilled. 

I want to help others, but do I have to be a doctor? I can't be a surgeon or anything that forced me to work with scapel, just an ordinary doctor. I won't save people's life. 

What if, just what if I can do more for others if I am not becoming a doctor? 

No matter how many times I asked myself, I don't have the courage to answer it myself.

I need my mommy&daddy

Usually I'm the type of person who doesn't care about going back home, eventhough I'm here in Jogja all by myself. I'm not homesick. My house now has becoming waaaay more comfortable more than ever. Like I can live in my room forever.
But why now I'm acting like a spoiled child asking for my mommy? My parents always visit me at least once every two weeks. But I haven't seen them for a month. That's what broke my heart. Do they care about me?

The saddest thing is, my relationship with my parents is more shallow. The only thing we talked about is money. How much they have to give me this week. How much I have to pay my housekeeper weekly fee. That's it. My parents have become a stranger to me.

I never crumble apart in front of my parents. I never told them about my life to them. I always act "I can handle everything". Asking for advice or being weak really isn't my thing. And maybe my parents would feel the same. I'm doing perfectly fine here. Why they should care?

Now I'm feeling lonely. My life has been great lately. Less drama and everyone around me is super nice. Maybe less fun, but this is what I want and I am loving it. But no matter how nice my life is, no one can replace family.

I miss you mommy daddy, my big bro, and both of my sisters. Please come visit me.