It's easier to let you go

I knew this man from my very first year in my batch. Only in the end of the second semester I started to look at him differently. He is funny and charming. I did not expect to fall for his good deeds. But I did. I decided to follow my heart and started to like him a lot.
In my second year, we were in the same tutorial group and I couldn't be happier. We could spend a lot of time together and I am very grateful having him as a friend. He is a nice guy, sometimes he showed that he cares, sometimes he didn't. But I cannot stop my heart from liking this man. Every attention that he gave, made me the happiest girl in the world. I cannot stop giggling due to his texts. I liked every second we spent together, so much, I started to be selfish. I wanted him only for myself. I didn't think thoroughly and I want him for "now". I knew he cared about me but he didn't want me to get hurt later due to our relationship. Yet I don't care. I just like him so much I cannot think straight. He agreed and we were commited to be a couple.
I didn't expect I will end up loving him way too much I don't want him only for "now". I want to see him tomorrow, every day, every week, even when I am an adult, I want him to be by my side. We've been through so many things together. We fought, we hurt each other, we keep causing each other pain, but in the end we managed to balance it all. There are many times I want to end our relationship, but the only reason was because I love him too much, it hurts. I am also very apologetic for causing him pain, and I am doing my best for him to smile again.
Right now, we are really happy with each other presence, and there is no one in this world could make me happier. He is the first thing I remember in the morning, he is the one I always prayed for, he is the one that guide me into sleep, he is the reason I think I am able to do so many things. He encouraged me through so many challenges, he is my rock. He is the source of my strength. He is my everything.
When I am old and weak, I want him to be next to me. Smiling at each other, feeling warmth inside our hearts. We will help each other out and spend the rest of our lives together. I'll do my best to make him happy and I know he will do the same thing. I have faith in him. That he will love me forever and ever.

Do you think I'm a dreamer? I guess I am. What does a 19 years old know about true love? But this is how I feel. I have fallen too deep, I don't know how to recover. The chances that we can be together is very small, but I am clinging on that. I am praying everyday for God to hear my sorrow and pain. That He will hear our prayer and let us to love each other.

But in my prayer I also said, "I let everything in your hands, in your plans". I do believe God has such beautiful plans, we as humans cannot comprehend. I believe God cares for both of us and will give us his undying love.

I really want to be with him, but the more I think about it, the more impossible it gets. Life never gave us certainty, but I refuse to give up. Because I do love him. I decided to fight until the very end. I will not be selfish and forcing what I want. I really want our relationship to be a blessing, or an inspiration for others. That we are all humans, we are the children of God.
But if our relationship only causing pain, I am willing to give it up. Because I don't want to see anybody suffer, especially him.
But I do believe, God let us settle our differences because He has plans. He let us to love each other is a part of His plans. I don't know what is His plans for us, yet I believe it's a beautiful one. Either He wants us to be together, or He wants us to learn from all of this.

Hey you, the one who called me babe and took me by surprise. The one who got me crazy in love and cannot imagine my life without.
Yes, you.
It's easier to let you go.
But I don't want an easy way out.
So, promise me you will fight until the end. Promise me you won't stop loving me.
Because I won't.
I will love you for the rest of my life.
You're the best person I've ever met.
I won't let you go.
I love you and I miss you.

To the one who got away

One random evening, I watched Kodaline’s music video titled All I Want. The first part showed how mean people can be. How judgmental they are. But the first video also showed hope. A girl who doesn’t turn her head to this particular guy. Also a dog who loves his owner with all his heart. A dog never judge. That is the one thing I realized. A dog will only judge someone by the love he/she received.

Even when people hate you. Hating your looks or hating any action you took, your dog doesn’t. She/He will always excited when you came home, eventhough you didn’t bring any food or had a happy face. A dog will always love you. Always.

                I am really dissapointed with myself on how late I am realizing this. I always take my dog’s love for granted. Yes, I do love him/her. But I would never love my dog as much as my dog loves me. I feel like an as. An ungrateful jerk. If I can turn back time, I’ll treat my dog better. I’ll show her that I love her so damn much every single day. I’ll take her out every afternoon because I know she liked how the air breezing through her hair. I’ll take a moment to look at her face and smile. Just to make sure she knew that I love her.

                I will go see her every single day (because I lived pretty far away from my dog) and hug her every chance I had. I will stroke her hair softly when she felt pain. Because she was sick and I couldn’t see any happiness in her eyes. She used to be excited when I came. She still were, but I could see that she is holding something back. Yet she did her best to show me that she was happy to see me.

                She ran to me and smiled. But she was too sick to keep it that way. She loves me but she was too tired to show me for too long. She went under the couch and just laid there. I knew she was sick, but I didn’t really care. My brother is a vet, and he will make everything right. My dog will be okay in no time.

                But she didn’t. She died when I am out for college. I didn’t cry because I already went through this for several times. Dog’s age is not as long as human. It is only normal if she died, I thought. It is okay. It is only natural.

                But I miss how soft her fur is when I stroke her

                But I miss how excited she is when I called her name

                But I miss how cute she is when she wanted to play

                But I miss how sleepy she is when I pet her

                But I miss how relaxed she is in my hug

                But I miss having her in my embrace

                I miss being loved by her

                I miss knowing the feeling that there is somebody who loves me despite everything I did

                I miss loving her

                I miss her

                I miss you Chibi

                I am sorry for not loving you as much as you deserved

                Now that you had left

                I can only cry

                And regretting how I acted towards you

                On the days before you die

                On the days before you close your eyes

                I am sorry

                I am sorry

                I am sorry

                I love you

Gelombang, Journey in Your Sleep

Gelombang, the most recent published book by Dee Lestari. I rather calling it a journey than a story. It is a fiction novel, yet you can feel everything that the main character felt. Your imagination needs to work hard, but it doesn’t seem ridiculous. It feels real, like the world Dee created belongs to you. You feel the anxiety and excitement. You get nervous and suspicious. A well done job for a genre that rarely seen in Indonesia.

Before I started to recap, let’s review shortly the previous supernova novels. The first one, entitled Kesatria, Putri dan Bintang Jatuh we are asked to think. Also asking ourselves, is our view and principles the only way seeing the word? The second one is Akar, a travel trip with Bodhi. We felt the hardship but also his willingness to live. This book makes me want to travel Asia. Backpacking for sure. Petir, the third, is a super light novel. It is funny, full of friendship embrace. Partikel, is indeed a mindblowing sci-fi novel. You are drawn to the main character sadness, her dark background life that made her the person she is now. Also one big question, Are there creatures outside the planet earth?

Those 4 novels got us to the 5th, story about Alfa Sagala. A boy who were born in Sianjur Mula-Mula. The beginning of the tribe Bataknese. The hold the spiritual values of Bataknese religion. But the boy with the full name Thomas Alfa Edison Sagala, is a little bit different. Since his birth he had creature looking after him called Si Jaga Portibi. It’s a creature from sky that have a pretty scary form. Alfa was scared at first when he realized Si Jaga Portibi’s presence. But long after he knew that this creature were made to protect him.

                One of the darkest moments in Alfa’s life is when he almost killed by a person he trusted the most. Ompu Togu Urat tried to make Alfa his student and gained Alfa’s trust. He tried to kill Alfa in the middle of the lake. Alfa barely escape and no one knew the fate of Ompu Togu Urat. Later he met Ompu Ronggur, one that he believed is evil turned out to be his guide to a jouney that Alfa cannot understand. He said that Alfa needs to find his group mates and left him with 2 dark rocks. Also a really big question marks that follows Alfa’s life ever since. Who is he and what kind of journey awaits him.

                Alfa’s dad decided to move from Sianjur Mula-Mula to the busiest city in Indonesia, Jakarta. Alfa is a smart kid and his dad dreamt that one day Alfa can have the title engineering in his name. One day, fate took him to Hoboken, United States. Alfa wants to reach New York. He thought Hoboken will get him closer to his goal, but reality is harsh. He lived there as coyote, terms for illegal immigrants. Just to get to his apartment, he risked his life.

                Still, Alfa is a smart kid. Close to genius. He taught his 2 closest friend, Troy and Carlos to sign up for scholarship in Ivy League colleges. Three of them got accepted in Cornell. Evenmore Alfa got accepted in 3 colleges. In Cornell, he took engineering. But fate introduced him to Tom Irvine. This man took Alfa to his company and introduced him to the game of Wallstreet. Alfa win big and he manage to get a fixed position in Irvine’s Company.

                Everything in Alfa’s life goes well at that time. But he is insufficient in one thing. Sleep. Alfa never slept more than one and a half hour. He always get nightmare where he got stuck in a dark place surrounded by grey walls. Dreaming was always Alfa’s biggest fear.

                Ishtar, a beautiful woman he met through NSA, No String Attached Company, made Alfa facing his greatest fear for 5 hours. A mindblowing one night stand almost got him killed. Ishtar was gone the next morning and Alfa rushed to the ER in a hospital. There he met Nicky, a young doctor who took his sleeping problem seriously. She suggested that Alfa have to go to the Somniverse. A sleep rehabilitation.There Alfa got one shocking fact about his dream. He is trying to kill him self in his sleep. Whether with suffocating himself with pillow or a major heart attack. He was drowned in his fear, but he decided to face it. He read a book by dr. Kalden Sakya titled Milam Bardo. It gave him revelation and better ways to face his dream. In his dream he found a place called Asko, a new dimension. There he learned his new identity as Gelombang.

                Alfa wanted to know more about his dream and he believed his only clue is dr. Kalden Sakya. He hired a Private Investigator, who happened to be ex thug called Rodriguez, who managed to inform him last places dr. Kalden was seen. It was in Tibet. Alfa flew there with Nicky, who insisted to tag along.

                He was looking for dr. Kalden everywhere with Pemba, his guide. But he finally met dr. Kalden with the strangest way possible. There Alfa learnt that there are 3 roles. Infiltran, Savara, and Peretas. Alfa is a Peretas, one that got Amnesia everytime he died and reborn. Infiltran is Peretas’ guide. Then Savara is an existence that is trying to kill Peretas.

                In order to explore Asko more, dr. Kalden took Alfa to Yarlung Valley. In the journey there, Alfa almost got killed by Pemba, who turns out to be Savara. And in Yarlung Valley Alfa started to realize who is he and what journey awaits him.

Yarlung Valley, Tibet

I love the thrill this book gave, kind of horor vibe but i like it. Without me realizing Gelombang got my heart racing. In every book, every character have one person that guide him or her. Helping the main character to explore theirselves. In Gelombang we finally know what the roles of each character in each book. This book discuss mainly about dreams. But I got sceptical about dreams. It is a place we cannot control. Maybe we can if we go lucid. But if you are doing it wrong who knows what might happen. Well, it is an individual choice.  

I love Alfa Sagala. He is smart, adapt quickly, wallstreet babe, and strict with his choices. He is quite strong eventhough he is surrounded with unexplainable situation. He is calm person facing those nightmares, I would freak out if I were him. His character kind of reminds me of Bodhi in Akar.

Of course, Alfa is Batak so unconsciously I am falling to him (A really weird laugh here). His love line with Nicky is cute but not really explored. One of the strongest love line is in Petir. Also Alfa’s love line with Ishtar (Bah) is really short, a one night stand got a guy crazy is really not believable (in my opinion). But 5 stars for other aspects!

GELOMBANG BY DEE LESTARI, A NOVEL REVIEW

Caffeine Overload

For the times that are tough

For all of the great changes

For the tiredness I felt

For all the reasons that felt wrong

For all the nigts I stayed up

For a different person I might have become

I send my prayer to God, hoping for his blessing. Saying my gratitude every single second. This hardwork were done for many reasons I believe. I haven’t found the right one, yet in the end all of the pain will paid off. For the plans He made for me. For the goals people expect me to reach. For my desire to give my all to society. Most important of all, for the sake of His name. I believe it’s all worth it. Every drop of sweat and tears.

God gave me so many blessings but I haven’t been able to follow through and serve others. That is my main regret. I’ll keep praying for chances Jesus will give me in the future. When the time comes, when the opportunity is wide open, I’ll give my 100%.

I am blessed but at the same time I am overwhelmed with my medical studies. I hope both of these factors don’t change me as a person. I am hoping to be humble and at the same time care and be a blessing for others.

I let it all in the hand of Jesus.

Let’s put on a smile, be positive, and work hard.

I wonder when I can be free from the tight grip of caffeine.... 

Sophie Kinsella and A SPOILER ALERT (should have written this in most of my posts...)

I am stressed out. The pressure is real. The absurd expenses caused me guilt. Its not that I am being ungrateful, its just a wild thought. Am I making the right choice? Of course I am. I just wondering what IF I am not. Life is full of tricks on its sleeves, all I can do is hoping I manage it well. I am putting my life at stake for this, I don’t have any back up plan. So if any of these are fraud then I am screwed. Why am I thinking like that, I guess at times like these the pessimistic side of me is taking control. Filling my heart with a pang of guilt and whispering it won't work out.  But it will, I am sure it will. I don’t know how it will turn out but everything gonna be worth it. Fingercrossed.

Anyway… Let's stop talking about how boring my life is and talk about the fun stuffs. Things that keep my mind off the university orientation. Funny and lovely stuffs like Sophie Kinsella’s books. I’ve only read 2 of them, but both of them are really funny and got everything that I want in a novel.

1.   I’ve Got Your Number

I got this book at the airport. That time I don’t know who Sophie Kinsella is. All I want is a romantic and funny novel, and this novel’s summary gave all that I wanted in a novel. An accident. One that happened out of the quirkiness or clumsiness of the main character. Here we got Poppy Wyatt. An extraordinary girl who works as an physiotherapist. She is on top of the world after her boyfriend propose her with a precious family ring. Until she lost it in a hotel. She got crazy wild when she found out that the ring is nowhere to be found. At the most urgent moment in her life, someone stole her phone. Poppy needs a phone! What if someone calls her that the ring is found and she wouldn’t know. At the most erratic moment she found a phone in the trash bin. Finders keepers right? But unfortunately it belongs to Sam Roxton. A cold and serious bussinessman. Well, it used to belong to his Personal Assistant. Both of them needs the phone and Sophie got entangled in Sam’s life and so does Sam.  Sophie had to forward all Sam’s emails and she can’t help her self to look at every single email. She started to picture Sam’s life and his relationship with his coworkers, family, and fiancee. If Poppy may say, a lunatic fiancee. Poppy always wondering why Sam is engaged with that woman. But that is none of her bussiness. But Poppy could make some little changes in Sam’s life. Sam’s always been too strict with all the invitations he got in his emails. Maybe Poppy could say yes to the Guatemala’s trips on behalf of the Sam’s name. Or saying birthday to Lindsey, his coworker. Or saying that everyone at work should come up with some ideas to brighten the company…. Before Poppy can realize it she has been sending A LOT of emails under Sam’s name. She thought she did good… She meant to do him a favor… But not everyone taking it well. Especially Sam. Poppy felt super guilty and Sam demanded his phone back. Few days passed, Poppy went to his company to return his phone. It seems that her little initiatives turned out to not be so bad. Not everything turned out well, but it does gave Sam some advantages.  

Poppy got a perfect fiance and a perfect life. But after she met Sam, she feels… incomplete. She points out Sam flaws, but so does Sam. Sam said that Poppy always felt inferior with the Tavishes (her fiance’s family). She doesn’t! Doesn’t she?

Once again Poppy entangled in Sam’s life. Sir Nicholas Murray, a CEO and a person that Sam’s admire, got caught up in a corruption scandal. Which wasn’t true. Somehow it’s up to Poppy to save Sir Nicholas. Poppy only have few days behind before her marriage. Why she said yes to this?

Together, Poppy and Sam searching for evidence. While everyone at company lost hope and believing Sir Nicholas’s scandal. When the statement is out Poppy met Sam in discreet. Out in the woods. They were texting, being honest one another. Poppy felt a warm feeling in her heart, which is wrong,  but again she is afraid to let this moment go. That is when Sam’s arms wrapped her body. They stayed there for 5, no 10 minutes then pretend that nothing happened.

Poppy had a perfect fiance, she has the perfect life waits for her after the marriage. But all of that crumbles when she found out that Magnus (her fiance) is cheating with his wedding planner, Lucinda. She is hurt and call off her wedding. She said that to Sam, but he only said sorry. She emailed him with a friendly tone, but he sent back a cold brushed off email. One that says nice words but it was sent to all of people we don’t want to talk with. That’s why she said yes when Magnus beg her to keep marrying him.

Poppy is at the church and about to say her vow. Magnus looked like he was going to end his life, he is definitely only want to get through with it. The priest started by saying “Wilt thou..” but Magnus answered by saying “I do”. Poppy lost her temper because Magnus not taking this seriously ( he obviously only watch many stupid American wedding in movies) and she realized that it is not meant to be. When she about to leave the church a woman stopped her. Saying that she have been emailed by some guy to stop this wedding. So does the other guests. EVERYONE in the church got the email.

“Stop. Stop her. Hold it off. Delay it. She’s doing the wrong thing…”

“Lover? I don’t know. I don’t know if she loves me… I don’t know if I love her.”

“All I can say she’s the one I think about.”

“All the time. She’s the voice I want to hear. She’s the face I hope to see.”

There he is. Sam Roxton. Standing in front of the church asking Poppy for a coffee. Poppy said yes, and she is ready to begin a lovely and honest relationship.

What I love is, Sam Roxton is not a perfect guy. He is oblivious and cold. But then so does Poppy. She is really careless and I think she needs to get hit just once. Sophie Kinsella put this two opposite characters into one story, and they complete each other. Poppy may have the perfect man beside her. But perfect for other may not perfect for her. Poppy weird endeavour gave colour in Sam’s life. They are perfect for each other eventhough they don’t seem like it. Eventhough they were put into the stickiest situation ever. Sophie Kinsella manage to give a beautiful twist with a strong comedy in it. A perfect read for you who looking for a relaxed mind in a holiday.

The next book I read is Can You Keep A Secret? But I’ll recap it tomorrow. Ciao!

I said I am fine, and I hope at least 1% of that sentence is true.

I look down at the floor, feeling all depresed. Lost confidence in myself. I am wondering what should I do with myself. Spelling the word optimistic but I end up with a dead end. Finding myself as a hopeless human being only made me more regretful. Why am I living like this? Why my smile only lasts for a few secs? Why I am really bad at pretending? At times like these what should I do? Should I run and escape? Or face it and waste my energy with tears?

The concern is real. What is at stake is my future. What is left to blame is my life. I have faith. I believe in God and His beautiful plans. I gave him all my worries.

But in the end, I can't help but feel concerned.

Wandering around and asking what is wrong.
The wind blows as it should. Leaves wither at the time it should dies. This earth rotates, revolving around sun and made all the seasons happened as usual. Rain falls but then sun dries it up. Nothing change in this world. People have worries but they overcame it. I have my worries, but what sickening about me is the fact that I am pessimistic. The fact that people I care the most lose their faith in me. The fact that I am wavering as well.

I am not ready to accept the fact that I am a failure.
I never regret that I have a big dream. I won't change it and I hope this dream could get me on going. But I am scared the world gonna be as harsh as it should. Can I handle the pressure of life? Can I keep on living even though it is beyond my limit?

I tried to find answers. But those answers lie in my willingness to live. My durability. The time before I break down. The time that I breath. There my answer lies. In my hardwork and tears.

The more and more I stuck in this depression, it is harder to fake a smile. To laugh and be nice. More and more questions popped in my head. Why I have to be the one to suffer like this? Why I can't break down and cry?

I hate myself more as the time goes. I am afraid that I will lose myself if I face the cold blooded fact. I am afraid that I will be someone that I am not. I hope everything goes well so I can put on some sincerity in my smile.

Dear God, give me strength. I know nothing is impossible when I am with you. In my hard times I can count on you. Please God, don't let me lose myself. Let me be the one who still be able to spread your name in my difficulities.

Jesus Christ, the one who is able to do it all. My strength, My hope. The one my faith lies in. Give me a way to be a doctor. One you can use to be a blessing for others. Only in your name I believe in. Amen.

My Sassy Girl

Adorbs!

A romantic comedy made so good, I have to make a post about it. Released in 2001, this movie has become the starting point of hallyu wave. This movie is flawless. The stories, actors, songs, and the comedy came together so well it ended up becoming one of the movies we can't forget for a lifetime.
Everything about this movie is memorable, even after 13 years people still talking about it. Starred by popular actor, Cha Tae Hyun (I can't help it but love all of his movies) and Jeon Ji Hyun (biggest drama in 2014, My Love From Another Star).

It started with their weird meeting at a train. The Girl, played by Jeon Ji Hyun, got drunk and barf on top of an old man's head. Before she passed out she called Gyun Woo (Cha Tae Hyun) as her boyfriend. He was forced to take responsibility of the drunken girl. Gyun Woo took her to a motel. Tomato potato, there was a big misunderstanding and Gyun Woo was taken into a jail.

Gyun Woo's bad luck didn't end just like that. The girl asked to meet up and Gyun Woo explained that it's all just a big misunderstanding. He should say it's not entirely his fault but who can get angry at this face.

The Girl

This girl became a major part of Gyun Woo's life. She took him into her ride of craziness. Gyun Woo can't say no because this girl is quiet violent. I can't count how many times Gyun Woo got slapped in this movie... They have been into many mess together. One that is most unexpected when they sneaked into an amusement park at midnight (Gyun Woo planned a birthday surprise for The Girl) and met a runaway soldier. They were being held as hostages and even receiving death threats. Both of them being freed safely but Gyun Woo got slapped because he said to kept the girl as hostage instead of him. His birthday surprise for the girl failed completely.

Gyun Woo's and the girl's relationship never made clear. He can't say that they are dating, but if he said they were just friends he got slapped.... Damn woman...

One day the girl waited for Gyun Woo at his university. All of his friends cheering him for having an incredibly beautiful girlfriend. Gyun Woo was in a good mood. But not for long.... The girl asked him to exchange shoes with her. She was wearing heels! He couldn't say no and ended up chasing her in heels...

Her parents didn't give their blessing because Gyun Woo had no plan for future. Since then their relationship never been the same. The girl went to a blind date and asked Gyun Woo to come. He didn't want to because he is also in a date with another girl. But when he found out that his date actually had penis.... He went to the girl's blind date. When the girl went to the bathroom, he told the girl's date 10 rules to date her. The girl's date told her everything that Gyun Woo said. When hearing these 10 rules the girl came into a realization that Gyun Woo cared about her more than she knew. He said to never let her drink more than three glasses, always order coffee, being an expert at kendo, exchanged shoes with her when her feet hurt and many more. She chased him (I cried A LOT at this part). They kept on missing each other but they meet up again by fate. He hugged her but then he got slapped instead.

They went to a mountain and the girl asked Gyun Woo to go to the hill accross them, just out of curiosity. When Gyun Woo was afar she said "I'm sorry. But this feeling is too strong. I'm sorry Gyun Woo" The girl can't get over her previous boyfriend and she didn't want to be with Gyun Woo while she is still in love with her ex. The went to a tree on top of a hill and buried a time capsule. They made a promise to meet again after 2 years under the tree.

Gyun Woo went all by himself...

In the two years period Gyun Woo changed himself into a better person. He learned how to swim, play tennis and do kendo. He wrote his stories with the girl on blog and ended up being filmed. All he did were for the girl. He came back 2 years later, but she didn't. He open up the time capsule and finally knew the truth about the girl's ex. He died. The day she met Gyun Woo is one year after the girl's ex death. The reason she messed around Gyun Woo is to find her ex in him. She made Gyun Woo did all the things her ex did to her. But more and more she spent time with Gyun Woo, she liked him more and felt like she cheated on her ex. That's why she asked for two years. It's to get over her dead boyfriend.

The girl came back after three years. She has completely moved on but she felt it's too late to get back together with Gyun Woo again. She met an old man that explained to her that a year back the tree was struck by a lightning and split into two. There was a man who plant the exact same tree just because he didn't want a particular girl to be sad. The girl cried and tried to reach out for Gyun Woo but she failed.

Years later the girl met with her dead boyfriend's mother. She wanted the girl to meet his nephew and hoping the two can date. Surprisingly the mother's nephew is Gyun Woo. Both of them smiled at each other. The two of them really can't escape the fate. The girl said "I already met the man of my future"


That is all!!! The recap of My Sassy Girl. This movie is a must watch for all the reason we are living. This movie combined comedy, romance, and tragedy in the most amazing way. One of the best romantic comedy in the world. This movie took the world by storm and has American and Japan remake. Both of the actors became top stars thanks to this movie. A wonderful watch made to make you smile. And giggles. And cry. And be happy. Be happy everyone!!!

Have a nice day