I said I am fine, and I hope at least 1% of that sentence is true.

I look down at the floor, feeling all depresed. Lost confidence in myself. I am wondering what should I do with myself. Spelling the word optimistic but I end up with a dead end. Finding myself as a hopeless human being only made me more regretful. Why am I living like this? Why my smile only lasts for a few secs? Why I am really bad at pretending? At times like these what should I do? Should I run and escape? Or face it and waste my energy with tears?

The concern is real. What is at stake is my future. What is left to blame is my life. I have faith. I believe in God and His beautiful plans. I gave him all my worries.

But in the end, I can't help but feel concerned.

Wandering around and asking what is wrong.
The wind blows as it should. Leaves wither at the time it should dies. This earth rotates, revolving around sun and made all the seasons happened as usual. Rain falls but then sun dries it up. Nothing change in this world. People have worries but they overcame it. I have my worries, but what sickening about me is the fact that I am pessimistic. The fact that people I care the most lose their faith in me. The fact that I am wavering as well.

I am not ready to accept the fact that I am a failure.
I never regret that I have a big dream. I won't change it and I hope this dream could get me on going. But I am scared the world gonna be as harsh as it should. Can I handle the pressure of life? Can I keep on living even though it is beyond my limit?

I tried to find answers. But those answers lie in my willingness to live. My durability. The time before I break down. The time that I breath. There my answer lies. In my hardwork and tears.

The more and more I stuck in this depression, it is harder to fake a smile. To laugh and be nice. More and more questions popped in my head. Why I have to be the one to suffer like this? Why I can't break down and cry?

I hate myself more as the time goes. I am afraid that I will lose myself if I face the cold blooded fact. I am afraid that I will be someone that I am not. I hope everything goes well so I can put on some sincerity in my smile.

Dear God, give me strength. I know nothing is impossible when I am with you. In my hard times I can count on you. Please God, don't let me lose myself. Let me be the one who still be able to spread your name in my difficulities.

Jesus Christ, the one who is able to do it all. My strength, My hope. The one my faith lies in. Give me a way to be a doctor. One you can use to be a blessing for others. Only in your name I believe in. Amen.